Dit vond ik in een hoekje van de kast op mijn kamer. Ik denk dat het een transcript is van de een of andere radiodocu over de buurt waar ik woon, Finglas. Daar lijkt het tenminste op, maar zowel ‘Paul Revere’ als ‘Welcome to Finglas’ leverden geen resultaten op op Google. Als iemand hier meer over weet, hoor ik het graag.
FINGLAS. A friendly Irish community, where the sun is warm, the rain is wet and seagulls are not always what they seem. This is Paul Revere, for the [censored].
Dear listeners. After just one week of living in this community, I can tell you this: Finglas people are friendly people. My neighbours have virtually showered me with all those little things you might need when you have just moved house: bin bags, paper towels, hydrogen peroxide to get all these nasty bloodstains off the walls, the first pack of coffee, etcetera, etcetera.
They also provided me with some leaflets about the various organisations that make living here so wonderful. You know, who are your police officers and firemen, what is the best place to get a pizza, upcoming community events, all that jazz. One of these leaflets was from the Finglas pet shelter, and it said something I’d very much like to share with you, since we all know that nothing is more telling about a village than the animals that live there.
Finglas is a wonderful place to keep pets indoors. For all those out there thinking about becoming proud pet owners, a helpful guide: Cats are okay. They see their territory as a challenge rather than an obstacle, and they will thrive. Oh, they will thrive… Dogs are debatable, since no one has seen a dog in Finglas in over thirty years. Or wolves. It’s something to do with their noses, or so I’ve heard. Rabbits and other rodents are resourceful and quick to organise. Only keep one such pet per household, preferably in a lead cage. Do not keep reptiles. We don’t want a repeat of the Temporal Thoughtsnake Incident…
I was curious about this Temporal Thoughtsnake, you know. I’ve always liked reptiles, ever since my first pet King Cobra, Fang. But unfortunately, the text gets a bit blurry after this and when I called the Pet Shelter to ask, they only made a general remark about the weather before ringing off. Ah well, you can’t have everything in life, and if the price of living here is only a lack of reptiles, and, for some reason, dogs, so be it.
But I’ll be too busy for a pet anyway, with all the research I have the opportunity to do here. My boss had already informed me about all the highly interesting events taking place in this otherwise dull-seeming village, and I can’t wait to see or hear them for my own.
I just. Can’t. Wait.
For instance, I want to see what the Bi-weekly Mysterious Fires are all about, and if you can really see the silhouette of an old lady in the blazing flames. I’m sure you all heard about it, but no one seems to know whether it is true, or just a figment of someone’s overactive imagination. Personally, I think it’s the first. After all, dear listeners, what sick mind would come up with something as horrible as a human being who is burned at the stake, just for the sake of a good story? It has to be true, and I will make sure to carry out a full investigation into this phenomenon.
I asked my neighbours about the Fires, but unfortunately they suddenly seemed busy counting the grass in their front lawn. As we all know, dear listeners, it is of course vitally important to know just how much grass you are responsible for, so I left them in peace, silently chastising myself for having forgotten to ask the previous tenant of my house about my grass. Oh well, nothing to be done about that now. I suppose I’ll just add ‘counting grass’ to my to-do list, and write a letter to the City Council Grass Department, explaining the situation and asking for clemency on this occasion. I’m sure they’ll be lenient.
Won’t they?
I’ve already noticed a pretty heavy City Council influence in Finglas. My neighbours at least are very loyal supporters of Finglas is Ours, a conservative party which, I’m given to understand, strives to make Finglas as secure and safe as possible. Well, isn’t that just a lovely view, dear listeners. They have my vote, that’s for sure. Especially because, as my neighbours explained before their grass investigation, as long as Finglas is Ours has a seat in the Town Council, they’ll make sure to carry out regular sweeps of the neighbourhood in their big, black, menacing-looking helicopters, so they have a clear and unimpeded view on all those pesky people who want to ruin the town with litter, graffiti, young children and other disturbances. I applaud this, dear listeners, I really do. I think that if more local governments would follow Finglas is Ours, the world would be a safer, cleaner and overall happier place. Therefore, all praise be to Finglas is Ours.
All praise.
All praise.
Praise.
I only wish they’d do something about that *bleep* *bleep* ice cream van. It’s not weird or anything, as far as I can tell it’s a perfectly normal van with a perfectly normal driver selling perfectly normal ice cream. But, dear listeners, the noise it makes! That awful tinkling little bell. I tried stuffing my ears with plugs, but I’ll tell you that the racket went right through it! And the Disney characters that are painted on it are neither spot-on nor spot-off; they’re just slightly off. That’s even worse than if they were just plain wrong, because now they’re not right, but you can’t say they’re completely wrong either because they aren’t completely wrong! They’re just, as I said, slightly off.
Awful.
Honestly. I wish it could just drive onto the soccer field and disappear, like those three kids last year. You know the story, dear listeners? Three teenage boys made a dare to walk across the Finglas soccer field when there was no official match sanctioned by the Council. They were never seen again. I’ll tell you, have a wonderful view onto the field from my bedroom window and it sure looks menacing, with the greet green nets on either side, the vaguely purple fog hovering over the centre circle, the green grass and the white lines all over it… I wouldn’t risk walking across it for my life, dear listeners, I can assure you. Especially since I’ve now seen with my own eyes the three human-shaped imprints on the wall surrounding the soccer field. They are each about the size of a teenage boy.
I don’t think I need to say anything more on this subject. Also, I don’t want to, because a man just appeared across the street, just outside of the soccer field and he’s staring at my bedroom window. He’s wearing a white three-piece suit and black sunglasses, he’s of average height and build and otherwise has no characteristic features whatsoever. Truly, dear listeners, I don’t know what else I can say to describe him to you. I don’t know what he’s doing or what he wants, but my best guess is to keep calm and carry on. After all, I am a journalist and this is what we
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…
do. We tell you what you need to know, no matter how dangerous it is, or what it may cost us…
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…
[All praise be to Finglas is Ours. All praise.]
Terribly sorry about that, dear listeners, there seems to have been a glitch in my recording system. Anyway, I think it’s time to give you a word from one of our sponsors, who made this whole expedition possible.
[Music starts playing]
I’m sure you all agree with this message. Just as I’m sure you all know this simple recipe for happiness:
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Get apple
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Hold apple in right hand
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Toss apple to left hand
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Toss back to right hand
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Repeat if necessary
- Happiness
Well, dear listeners, I think that will be all for today. But be sure to stay tuned next week at the same time to hear the results of my first real expedition: seagulls. Bird, or Banshee?
[seagull shrieks]
Find it out, next week here, on BBC Radio 2. Listeners, I bid you goodnight.
This was Paul Revere, from Finglas, for the [censored].
[Disclaimer: Remember, most of this is partly true. Any and all trips to Finglas should be taken at your own risk, or rather, not at all. The universe is weird.]
Dit is alles wat ik kon vinden, maar zoals ik al zei: als iemand meer informatie heeft over Paul Revere (de radioverslaggever, niet de Amerikaanse patriot), het programma ‘Welcome to Finglas’ of Finglas in het algemeen, hoor ik het graag.